New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
