Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
All the doctor said was why
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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