I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
