Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
