I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
