I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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