I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
