it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
