Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
