why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
