He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
