awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
