I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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