I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
