I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
