Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
