well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
