the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Text me some of your sweat
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
