This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
