I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
