Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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