Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
