I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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