Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
