At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
