evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Text me some of your sweat
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
