I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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