My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
