I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
