i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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