I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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