Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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