yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
