Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
