Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
