you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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