life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
