cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
