ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize