Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
