Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
