I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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