Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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