ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
