Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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