I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Randomize
