One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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