new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
