She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
