I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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