I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
