I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
And then he peed in my hair
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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