Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize