I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
