what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
