Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
