At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she peed on how many people?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
