Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
