No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
