Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
