Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
