If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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